My friend is back from travelling, and I'm super excited to see her again,  I've cancelled on my best friend tomorrow in favour of dinner in a ruddy nice restaurant, I'm double booked for Thursday, and having reservations about my Wednesday plans.  All-in-all, a busy week I'd say.

There's not much in this world that annoys the shit out of me, but being misunderstood is definitely one of them.  It's like bashing your head against a brick wall sometimes, and considering I'm the common denominator, perhaps I should assess how I come across?  

It seems that me being surprised at how my intentions are interpreted, comes across as being needy and dramatic... when the reality is, I really couldn't give a shit, really really! I'm like Ronseal, I am exactly what it says on the tin, but sometimes people will only hear what they want to hear.  I once dated a guy who was so wrapped up in the "typical" woman and almost thrived on how "difficult" we "can be", but sometimes (more often than not) I feel like the man in things.

Of course, I reserve the right to change my mind, act a little crazy, and get pissed off at the drop of a hat, I can't help that part of being a girl... but when things are just plain hard work, well then I tend to switch off and get sick of the fight, very quickly.

Anyway, I have bigger fish to fry and will let fate take care of that part of my life, because if I'm honest, I'm done... I would dearly like for things to work out, but I'm being rubbed up the wrong way and not understood properly, despite my best efforts to correct that.  It's been such a short time, can I be arsed to try and change minds?  At this stage?  Meh!  I've tried; it doesn't seem to be working, so I will let it run its course.

It's not like I don't have plenty to keep me busy, and I think that the time has come to throw myself back into everything else again.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a heartless cow, I will be devastated if I have to be single again, but I won't stay involved in something that I'm not sure feels right.  I just need some time to figure out what I want and how I feel.

Why is it that life is a lot like surfing?  You spend your time riding the waves, and when you're up it is awesome, but when you fall off, you get water up your nose and it's just unpleasant.

This week has been bloody terrible; actually make that the last fortnight.  Work has been so hectic I've hardly been able to see through all the demands.  To top that, I think my shiny new boyfriend might not be my shiny new boyfriend for much longer!  Lots o'drama has gone on this week, and I don't know if I'm sensing him pull away now, or if it's me who is having all the doubts! 

The billboard outside Waddon stations claims "it's good to be confused.com" well you know what?  I disagree!

I really like him a lot, but we've both said some things and had what can be classed as our 'first proper falling out'.  When you're only 3 months in, things like this are catastrophic! I don't know if we're into each other enough for it to be reparable, only time will tell.  I'm trying to give him some space, and also take some for myself too... but it's hard when I just want to know what he's thinking, and am unsure as to whether the negativity is coming from him, or if I'm reflecting it onto him.  GRRRR, I just don't know what I feel/think/want. 

To be fair to the guy, he's not actually said anything to make me think he's backing off, it's just a sense I get.  But to be honest, I think the second thoughts are all coming from me, and I need to decide quickly what I am doing; otherwise I run the risk of ruining things completely, and losing him as a friend too! 

I just need to let a little bit of time elapse, and relax a bit.  If it's meant to be, then it will be.  But he's the first guy I've liked properly since Fraser, and I'm being a complete relationship retard!  I spent so long by myself, living a bad dream, and being with [enter name here] is like I've been woken up from that dream, and joined the land of the living again.

Dani and I were talking on Monday night about previous dates, and I've decided that I cannot go back to Loserville, not even for a spot of shopping, no ma'am!  I've paid my dues, if this one goes down the pooper I'll gladly stay by myself and concentrate on other things... boys will be banned!

Life is still hectic, which I love right now, as it keeps me out of trouble!  I'm still walking on air a little following a super romantic Valentine's Day with my new beau.  It's the first proper Valentine's I've had in a long time, even though I was with my ex before, he always worked and I think the last February 14th we were together, I spent it having dinner with his parents at his workplace... NOT very romantic at all.  I know it's completely commercialised and a lot of people boycott it, but I don't see anything wrong in dedicating the day to being soppy with one another. 

So, my day started with breakfast in bed, followed by a visit to Kew Gardens, and a gorgeous lunch out.  I was really quite overwhelmed at how lovely the whole thing was.  I wasn't quite as romantic back, unless a homemade card and a Thermos flask is considered romantic these days?

My whole week has been quite trying, busy with work, a few dramas to deal with, but as it draws to a close I'm feeling good and for once can admit that I'm actually really really happy.  Yes, that is pretty much all "his" doing, and that's all I will say on the subject.

So far this year I've hardly Twittered, blogged, or done any of those sorts of things.  I just don't know if it's something I want to continue with.  There is Wraggmuffins to be getting on with, SAV stuff, and life is moving in the general direction where I'm no longer using this as a place to vent my feelings.  It's pretty boring to read about how blissfully happy someone is all the time... and I don't want anyone getting stuck in their bucket!

Still, I'll persevere for now, because I can't bear to commit to not doing this at all anymore.  That's a sad thought.

Oh, and just to gossip... my ex is getting married!  Been with her less than a year, getting married in 2 months... why the rush?   Yes, that’s right!

I'm not doing very well at blogging this year... that's what happens when your life is suddenly full to the brim!

Tonight I was working at Santini's restaurant; it's a little Italian place in Kenley.  Thanks to a colleague at my day job I've been able to pick up a few shifts.  The money is very handy, and I don't mind telling you.  Hopefully over time I'll be able to pick up regular shifts, but at the moment it's just one or two, here and there.  Still, some is better than none, and it's a lovely little place to work.

Aside from that, I've been busy with my "friend" (I don't know whether to call him boyfriend just yet), work, SAV, crafts, and planning for future events.  Yes, I've finally registered for the 'I made this' arts and craft market.  It's taking place at the Cavendish Hotel in Eastbourne in May.  I am excited, yet scared to death at the same time.  I know I'll be ok, but it's all the preparation, planning, and creating that has got my head in the most enjoyable of spins.

My brother is going to design me a logo, once I get my brief to him (note to self: do that) and then I need to get Moo cards printed, website created, product list sorted, photos taken, prices set, basic food hygiene completed, and all the while trying to keep my sane head on.

It's tough to get started with very little funds, but I have a whole bunch of crap stored in my sister's garage which I'm planning to sell at a car boot.  The money from that can go towards my costs.  Fortunately the mountain of 'pickle' that I was in is slowly diminishing, which just goes to show that perseverance pays off. Well, that and living a somewhat modest lifestyle!

So, what has been happening with me lately?  I've started making chocolates and realised quickly that chocolate is bloody hard to work with, it's definitely a skill.  I've got a real bug for this craft malarkey, and it's amazing how therapeutic it is to fill your time with things you love to do.  Others seem to appreciate my experimenting too, so all the while I have guinea pigs to eat my baking, I’ll keep on making!

Tomorrow I'm at home all night and plan to make some Moroccan lamb lettuce wraps, grab a Vodka and tonic, put on a film, and sew my little heart out.  Once I've got on my feet a little bit and can justify a splurge, I want to buy a sewing machine so I can begin to make dresses and things for myself.  That should time in nicely for when I will reach my goal dress size.  I'm back on Atkins in case I didn't blog that previously, and it's going really well.

All in all, my life rocks right now!

Eeeek, I'm being utterly crap this year, aren't I?!   Only three entries in over a month, nicht gut, nicht gut!

So, what has been taking up all my time?  Honestly?  A boy... and also work, SAV, friends, and baking.  But mostly, it's the boy who is to blame.  I can't moan though, he's lovely and I'm trying to enjoy it without flipping out that it's all going to end soon.  Actually, he's really really lovely, smart, funny, kind, sexy, generous, attentive, and has a gorgeous smile.  I really can't gush about him enough, but I will try to refrain from spilling my over-excitedness into this post.  All I will say is: I was seeing him before, I misjudged him and he screwed up, but I gave him a Christmas chance, and it's all working out beautifully.  He's on holiday at the moment, and it's apparent from how much I'm missing him, just how much I like him.  Eeek, I'm in trouble I think!

Anyway, enough of that.  What else is new?  Well, I've been freaking out about this craft fayre, and whether or not I can really do it?  It's not so much that I feel I'm incapable, it's more financial.  Do I have the means to fund myself for a whole craft fayre, should it all go pear shaped?  I need to make a slight profit, or at least cover my costs.  But to commit to it I should book my place now, so a bit more thinking is required.  I'm shitting myself if the truth be known, but I'll never move on from where I am now if I don't take a leap of faith. 

I feel like I need some time away to be honest, so might take a little trip this Friday.  Not to anywhere in particular, just jump in the car and go somewhere I can walk, think, eat a packed lunch, think, walk, think... you get the gist.  I've taken up jogging every weekend, round Beddington Park, but I need to get out of my town, head, and life for a few hours. 

Things are really good right now, I've quite smoking, I've lost weight, I'm jogging, work is ok, I'm seeing the most delicious man, but something in me just needs to make sense of itself.  I wake up some mornings in a panic that everything is going to fall over around me.  Life was so utterly shit last year, I cannot even begin to describe how dark my world became... however, I'm back in the sunshine now, and I don't want to go back there ever again.  But it's not in my control, I just have to hang on for dear life and hope for the best.

I guess it doesn't help when you're faced with people who won't let you forget who you used to be, or the mistakes you once made.  I've managed to overcome them, grow, and move on... but unfortunately mud sticks, especially in small minds.  Actually, I'm my own worst critic!