This weekend has been one of many thoughts, realisations and carbohydrates. Friday I emailed Dani and told her "I'm feeling blue, let us eat junk and watch some comedy" and even though I was more than an hour late in getting home, she was here and had the best surprise ready for me. In the kitchen, all laid out on the work surface, were: cheese Doritos, caramelised onion humous, sweets, facemasks, clusters and giant buttons. In the fridge, the second surprise was waiting... raspberries and lemonade! When we were on holiday in January we had the most amazing lemonade in this restaurant, and we have been promising each other that we would make it at home, but being on Atkins I am not allowed. She also brought round the movie 'Role Models' so we went and got ourselves a McDonalds, came home, and devoured food-a-plenty whilst watching the film, then we put our facemasks on and played Scrabble. It was just what I needed to kick start my slow movement out of this "hmmppffhh" lull I appear to be stuck in.

Having decided before leaving Sutton that we were having a blow out night (and before I knew about the snack fest waiting for me at home), I grabbed a bag of Roast Beef Monster Munch, and I was a little shocked at how sweet they tasted. After 3 months of not eating sugar or carbs, they were good, but left a weird coating in my mouth afterwards. I could immediately feel the effect of filling myself with junk food, it was good for a one-off, but I could never go back to eating as I used to.

Saturday we were in Canterbury for the James Morrison gig, and although I was still feeling blue, I tried my very best to put on a smile and have a good time. Once there I was surprised at how quickly I genuinely began to enjoy myself, it felt good. The support act was Vagabond, and I think they might fast become my new band du jour! The setting for the concert was perfect, we were outside, drinking coffee, enjoying the evening weather and it was very soothing for the soul. My soul in particular.

Today however I woke up in my usual flump, sat on the sofa and began the familiar process of 'I want to do something, but have no motivation to even move' but somehow, out of nowhere, I just decided to clean up my bedroom a little bit. This quickly turned into me re-organising all my clothes, chucking stuff out, sorting the items that needs mending, and making a huge pile for the charity shop. I stripped the bed sheets, dusted (and cleaned) all the windows, walls and surfaces. Thanks to a reggae soundtrack, I went from being a miserable lump on the sofa, to booty dancing in my bedroom, and actually getting something done with my day. I got so into it that I did not even notice the rain outside stopping and the sunshine coming out again (which is a shame, as I would have liked to bask.)

Surprisingly, I have hardly drunk any alcohol at all this weekend. Perhaps a glass of wine or two, but that is all. To be honest, I am right off the stuff. I can only think of this as a good thing, because drinking when a) alone, and b) depressed, is nicht gud. Perhaps things with me are changing more than I realise, and I can see the positive side to it (just about) so will need to exercise some patience and hope that tomorrow is a good day.

I cannot believe he is gone!  This is a very sad day, for many reasons.  Although he was quite eccentric, he was, without a doubt, a musical genius.  This man shaped the world of pop, and without him the industry would be a very different place. Thoughts should be with his family right now, and we must remember him for all the good things he brought to this world.  Weirdness aside, I will always have fond memories of the music.  He was part of my childhood and I don't care about all the bad press and negative things that followed later in his life.  This guy rocked!  No-one could touch him for vocals, lyrics or dancing.

We all have our favourite Michael Jackson songs, I have posted mine here for you to enjoy and remember one of the most phenomnal men in music history:

and finally, my favourite from the Jackson 5:

Sleep well Jacko, the world loved you!

Tonight I just feel like slobbing on the sofa with pizza, chips, garlic dip, wine, cigarettes, crisps, chocolate and a good movie. However, the only thing I am going to allow myself out of that list is the film, which leads to yet another dull evening by myself.

Things seem to come and go in waves, and last year I was at the forefront of the 'break-up' craze that seemed to sweep my social circle. When others are going through the same thing as you, it is easier to deal with. I have mentioned a few times that I feel like my previous relationship was over before it was officially over. Really, I did my grieving for it whilst I was still in it. So fast-forward a year, and I am now just thoroughly sick and tired, if I am honest.  I am totally and utterly fed up of the way things are going. All around me people are meeting other people, and it does make me wonder why I am on the bus that seems only seems to stop at the 'friend' stop. There must just be something about me that does not make girlfriend material... either that or the people I'm meeting (and liking) are just not the right ones. Surely, if you share the same thoughts, feelings, outlook and dreams as someone else, what reason is there for them only see you as a platonic friend? I am starting to believe that fairytales only happen to other people and fictional characters. That means I am screwed.

I had my cards read at the weekend, and even a deck of paper faces concluded that there is no one on the horizon for me, and I am pretty much set for a life alone. That is just perfect!

Well I think the "woe is me" act is lost right now, after all, I cannot change what currently is, I can only change what will be. I am so lost in my dreams right now; I am too frightened to do what I really want, and too lazy to do the alternative. That leaves me in quite a predicament now, does it not!

Part of me wishes I would stop stumbling across these amazing people, ones who make me feel excited and a little bit sick all at the same time. If nothing can be, why bring them into my life? It is as if the universe just likes to tease, "hey you, girl... look what amazing find we have here. See, the kind of person you've been dreaming about does exist, they do... nah uh, don't touch now, they're not for you!" I guess my karma must be really shot. I am finding my feet slowly, and perhaps once this year is out I will find my proverbial balls, and do what is in my heart. Until then I will just find solace in music, and hope that my current state of withdrawal from the world does not last that long. This song makes me smile at the moment, I just wish getting closer to the person who introduced me to it was an option... but that is never going to happen (of course, this is me we are talking about!) So instead, I will just find the strength from somewhere to carry on walking.

Saturday was skater day, we met, we drove, we found a car park, put on our skates and off we went. Well, Dani and Lisa did, they skated like lithe teenagers, agile and controlled. I, on the other hand, was all over the place and had the grace of a Rhinoceros. It is not usual to use your car to stop yourself, is it? It took me a while, but I got it together towards the end of our afternoon. Emma joined us later and we skated a bit more, I fell on my butt and we chatted about her new job. I am proud that I only fell once, even if I was stationary and went from the standing to the seated position. I yelped out in pain and fell back onto the tarmac whilst the girls skated over to see if I was OK (I was fine, just injured pride.)

It was nice to spend the afternoon with friends, but even better to be getting fit at the same time. Although I should rethink my outfit next time, as I put on big ol' sensible pants to wear underneath my leggings and did not think about how see through my choice of outerwear was.

Last night Dani and I went skating again, this time on the cycle paths round the industrial estate. For some reason being out on the main roads (well, the main pathways) made me really nervous, and it was rather traumatic. I just went from lamppost to lamppost, hanging on for dear life and almost crying like the great big baby I am. Oh, and I fell on my arse again. Practise makes perfect, I know this and I know that I need to stick at it. At least I am getting a great workout, mostly because I make life difficult for myself by distributing my weight incorrectly, but it acts as resistance (which also stops me from skating with poise and grace, but whatever!)

For the past two or three nights I have been having very vivid dreams, all quite different, but all meaning the same thing, which is bizarre and interesting. I won't bore you with the details of these nighttime plays, but the main points of what they mean are:

Alarm Bell
To hear an alarm bell in your sleep, signifies a situation that is giving you much anxiety. This situation may arise unexpectedly where you are then required to spring into action.

Hiding
If the dreamer is doing the hiding, there is a part of them that is "hidden" (even from them), and perhaps it needs to come to the surface and be looked at.

Surgery
To dream that you or someone else is undergoing surgery signifies the opening of the Self and/or the need for emotional healing. You need to "cut out" or eliminate something from your life. Alternatively, you are feeling the influence of some authority figure. A more literal interpretation of this dream may reflect your concerns about upcoming surgery or about your health.

Vampires
Vampires, for most people, represent powerful and evil creatures. Dreaming about vampires suggests that the dreamer may be feeling overwhelmed in some areas of his or her life and is struggling with negative thoughts, feelings, and actions. You may be currently concerned about ethical or moral issues and are experiencing anxiety as a result. The vampire represents personal attributes or negative habits that drain energy and resources or cause emotional exhaustion. If you are being attacked by a vampire, you may perceive yourself as a powerless victim. Interpreting this dream's message may help you to identify the source of your negative feelings and helplessness

All of the above is totally spot on, there is a lot on my mind right now and I am finding it a little difficult to pull myself out of it... but as always, I know I will. Why do things seem to accumulate? Break it down and it doesn't seem so bad; but as a whole, it is very frightening to try and face. Anyway, I have my plan, I have my timescales, I just need to learn patience and keep on trucking. BAH, swings and roundabouts, tis all.

This morning I was awake at 6am, which is a rare thing... but the whole ordeal was a total mistake. I looked at my clock and saw an 8 rather than the 6 that was there. I leapt out of bed (because if the time was true it meant I had overslept, which is not unusual for me) and straight into the shower. As I stood with the spray in my face and my fingers working overtime with the shampoo on my mane, I found I was squinting. I am not the smartest cookie first thing and it takes me a few minutes to realise the obvious... I was squinting because the sun was in my face. "Well, that is odd" I thought to myself, "the sun is never this low normally" and I turned around to rinse the shampoo out of my hair. All of sudden it dawned on me - it is 6 o-bloody-clock, isn't it?! Sure as shit, once I got out the shower I realised I had made a mistake with the time. So after that, and the weird dreams about boob jobs and vampires, I do hope I sleep well tonight; otherwise work won't be getting anything out of me tomorrow.

A little while back I started talking to someone who, in my opinion, is pretty amazing.  He seemed to be a lot of the things I want, and I was really enjoying getting to know him.  The last couple of weeks he dropped off the radar, but I wasn't worried, I figured he was busy.  I chatted to him today via MSN and he said that he met someone, a month ago.  Neither of us had said that we were interested in each other, but I wanted to.  But I didn't want to scare him off or appear too keen or do the forbidden thing of actually telling him I liked him.  Mostly it was a confidence thing as I wasn't sure if he "dug" me or if he just liked chatting to me.  Now I'm kicking myself because he's awesome, and now he's taken.  I'm happy for him, truly I am as I'd rather people be happy and have a reason to smile.  But I'm gutted for me, especially as I wonder if I was only a couple of weeks late in meeting him?  Maybe, or maybe not, but it's irrelevant now anyway... at least though I've gained a really cool chat buddy out of the whole thing, and I'd rather that than nothing at all because he really is a super cool dude, he's wonderfully funny and most importantly he gets me.   I'm sure that will come along again, right?

There are a few quotes which are starting to make a lot of sense to me, and they're things I've been struggling to grasp the concept of.  I thought I'd share a couple of them with you here:

• If a guys doesn't call, he doesn't want to call you.
  Alex - He's just not that into you (movie)

This is true also for emailing, texting, MSN messages and pretty much any other form of communication

• Know this and be okay with it:  Not everyone is going to like you.
  Skinny Bitchin
  

  This is so true!  If a guy (or anyone for that matter) doesn't like me, it's ok.  I can't be everyone's cup of tea. 

• How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
  Dr. Wayne Dyer
  

  Sometimes just being happy for someone else, even if their actions are not what you want them to be, can leave a lasting effect.  Happiness should be spread around, not suppressed.
  

• What if you meet the love of your life, but you already married someone else.  Are you supposed to let them pass you by?
  Mary - He's just not that into you (movie)
  

  I love this quote, it's so full of hope yet is mildly depressing at the same time.  It's true, but would be such a difficult situation.  That's why most of us let 'the one' just slip through our fingers.
  

• Begin to see yourself as a soul with a body rather than a body with a soul.
  Dr. Wayne Dyer
  

  If we look at ourselves like this then it's hard not to love what we are (unless you're a total arsehole).  If we apply this to other people then you open the possibilities of who is attractive.  Strip it down and look inside, you might find a treasure.
  

• Many people pray and receive the answers to their prayers, but ignore them or deny them, because the answers didn't come in the expected form.
  Sophie Burnham
  

  This goes hand in hand with the above quote.  Think back, how many people have you rejected because they're too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too blah, too poor, too flashy, too nice, or just not what you were expecting?
  

• If a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit.
  Alex - He's just not that into you (movie)
  

  It would be good to realise this sooner rather than later.  I always get there in the end, but it does take a while and it's such a waste of my energy.

• So many people tiptoe through life, so carefully, to arrive, safely, at death.
  Jermaine Evans
  

  There is one very clear message screaming from this quote. Don't be scared to take a chance, live on the edge of your comfort zone, and stop being so safe just waiting to reach your final destination.  Live your life.

• Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.
  Lao Tzu
  

  I always love without boundaries, without hesitation and completely.  Yes I've had my heart broken because of this, but I wouldn't change it.  To love someone with your whole self is such an amazing thing (I miss it).  To have that back is gift, when I get given it I will not be returning it that's for sure!
  

• Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
  Dr. Seuss
  

  Be yourself always, then when you attract someone you do so for who you really are and not the person you're pretending to be.  This can be true for lovers and friends.  Either way you're sure to have a solid and worthwhile relationship with those people, therefore love them back for who they are too.
  

• If a guy wants to see you, he will see you.
  Alex - He's just not that into you (movie)
  

  Yep, and if he's not and you're chasing him, poking him on MSN, emailing him, texting him and wondering when you're going to see him again. Realise that you are not! Move on, find a guy who a) likes you and b) is worth your time.