Eeeek, I'm being utterly crap this year, aren't I?!   Only three entries in over a month, nicht gut, nicht gut!

So, what has been taking up all my time?  Honestly?  A boy... and also work, SAV, friends, and baking.  But mostly, it's the boy who is to blame.  I can't moan though, he's lovely and I'm trying to enjoy it without flipping out that it's all going to end soon.  Actually, he's really really lovely, smart, funny, kind, sexy, generous, attentive, and has a gorgeous smile.  I really can't gush about him enough, but I will try to refrain from spilling my over-excitedness into this post.  All I will say is: I was seeing him before, I misjudged him and he screwed up, but I gave him a Christmas chance, and it's all working out beautifully.  He's on holiday at the moment, and it's apparent from how much I'm missing him, just how much I like him.  Eeek, I'm in trouble I think!

Anyway, enough of that.  What else is new?  Well, I've been freaking out about this craft fayre, and whether or not I can really do it?  It's not so much that I feel I'm incapable, it's more financial.  Do I have the means to fund myself for a whole craft fayre, should it all go pear shaped?  I need to make a slight profit, or at least cover my costs.  But to commit to it I should book my place now, so a bit more thinking is required.  I'm shitting myself if the truth be known, but I'll never move on from where I am now if I don't take a leap of faith. 

I feel like I need some time away to be honest, so might take a little trip this Friday.  Not to anywhere in particular, just jump in the car and go somewhere I can walk, think, eat a packed lunch, think, walk, think... you get the gist.  I've taken up jogging every weekend, round Beddington Park, but I need to get out of my town, head, and life for a few hours. 

Things are really good right now, I've quite smoking, I've lost weight, I'm jogging, work is ok, I'm seeing the most delicious man, but something in me just needs to make sense of itself.  I wake up some mornings in a panic that everything is going to fall over around me.  Life was so utterly shit last year, I cannot even begin to describe how dark my world became... however, I'm back in the sunshine now, and I don't want to go back there ever again.  But it's not in my control, I just have to hang on for dear life and hope for the best.

I guess it doesn't help when you're faced with people who won't let you forget who you used to be, or the mistakes you once made.  I've managed to overcome them, grow, and move on... but unfortunately mud sticks, especially in small minds.  Actually, I'm my own worst critic!

So much is happening this year I can’t believe we’re only 20 days in!  I know that is kind of repeating what I said in my last post, but it’s so true.

There are lots of exciting developments in the house of Wragg, and I feel really proactive at the moment, which is a nice feeling.  Last year I pretty much walked around in a total daze and was the laziest I’ve ever been in my life.

A guy at work has started giving me guitar lessons; I had my first one yesterday.  He’s really good, and very patient. I do wonder what people must think when they’re not used to me; I’m quite loud and excitable at times.  Hopefully we’ll have our second lesson next week, then subsequent lessons at his flat after that.  I’ve had my guitar for a long time and I should be very good at playing it by now, but I’m not and that’s simply because I’ve procrastinated.

One of the good things about being single is filling your time with all the things you like to do.  Even though I’ve been seeing a little bit more of a certain someone since before Christmas, I’m not sure if it’s going to go anywhere, or what’s happening there, so I carry on planning things throughout the year as if he’s not going to be around, and if he is then he can join in.  I’d like things to progress, but I don’t think he really knows what he wants and so I am not expecting anything much to come of it, despite trying to remain positive that it will.  With no expectations it’s difficult to feel let down when it all disappears.  Pessimistic or safe? 

I suppose if it’s meant to be, then it will be.  If not, then he’s not for me, nor I for him.

Anyway, my year looks to be shaping up into one full of craft fayres, gigs, camping trips, and music.  I want to start running stalls at some local craft and art markets, and might have my first one in May. I’m just trying to muster up the confidence to do it, I’m in need of a lot of self belief.  Iif you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got, and sometimes you just need to jump onboard, hang on for dear life, and see where you end up.

The money situation seems to be looking slightly more positive too, and I might even find myself sans mortgage by the end of the year, although I think that is bloody optimistic, even by my standards!  I’ve ordered book on “how to make pretty things out of fabric and shit” (not the actual title), so I can make things and sell them online.  There’s a brilliant website called Folksy.com which I’ve bought from before.  The idea came to me as I was sat indoors decorating my new tissue box the other day.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who shares my taste, and so I figured I might as well try and make some money from it.  Watch this space!

2010 has had a crazy start.  I cannot believe we're 17 days in, it feels like it should be March already!  This is my first entry of the year and I should have lots to say, but in truth I feel like keeping my cards quite close to my chest about a lot of things, mostly because I don't want to jinx them, but also because I've begun to think a lot about blogging and whether I can really carry on with it. 

I'm sure I will, it is part of me, and I do still adore writing... even if I do only do it sparingly these days.  So, what have I been filling my time with? 

Well, the New Year was spent in Ireland, with my brother and his family.  I had the most wonderful time, as I always do over there.  It's so stunning, the people are friendly, the air is cleaner, and the sun shines differently.  Perhaps it's spending my days with a 3 and a 6 year old that does it, but I always gain perspective when there.  The highlight of my trip this time around was most definitely the New Year's day walk in "Mossy" Forest.

Since I've been back I've pretty much just been working, hanging out with friends, and being ill.  Yes, I finally got the dreaded cold that everybody has been complaining about.  Not only did mucus take over my life, but I also lost my voice again.  At least I still have the exercises from my speech therapy last year, so I can avoid the chronic croakiness that I had before, and won't have to consider a career as a Rusty Lee voice impersonator!

My lungs feel fragile, and I'm sure that's also because I've stopped smoking again.  I didn't smoke much as it was, but a little is more than none, and none is what is needed in order to be healthy!  I don't miss it at all, but I do feel my body cleaning itself.  Which is good, I suppose.

Today I went with Lisa to a wedding fayre, which was an odd experience because running one of the stalls was my old primary school teacher Mrs Taverner!  I cannot believe she remembered me, it was most surreal.  Also, I found myself with nothing interesting to say to her about myself.  How do you summarise the last 20 years, especially when all you've done is bounce around and haven't actually achieved anything?

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to money, life, housing, career, and where I fit in with all of that.  It's good to have a plan, but sometimes I forget where I'm at, and with other influences coming along and threatening it, I don't know which way to turn some days.  But, I am focused and will persevere, because that's all you can do!

2010 is the year of the UK trip.  It would be great to have someone to go with, and I know I can drag D on some of them (I doubt very much she'll camp), but others I'm looking forward to going on alone.  There's so much to see, and my weekends had started to centre around the library, where I can read up on all the folk stories and plan where I want to go.

It's not only weekends away; there are day trips to be had too.  There's so much to see, and when we're blessed with sunny (albeit fresh) afternoons, I can't think of anything better than taking a walk around a park, or a historical building.  We're surrounded by culture and history, but most stay blind to it.  I've got no money, so figured I'd use my eyes this year and take a look at what's around me.

It's the last day of the year, and the decade. I usually write a brief overview of the last 12 months as my final blog post, but I didn't feel this was something I wanted to do for 2009.
 
The reason being, nothing much happened this year that's worth recapping on.  I moved, I've been unhappy, lonely, bored, troubled, and generally quite blue.  However, I have become much stronger
because of it, and would say that 2009 has been my most influential year to date, as far as personal growth is concerned.  It's funny, because before this year happened, my most influential year to date
was 1999, so maybe it's something to do with the end of a decade?
 
There are several things I want to achieve in 2010, and I do feel in the right place in life to make them a reality. It would be awesome to have someone there to tell me that it'll be ok when I get scared and need a little boost, but I'm not holding my breath! I've been single for a year and a half now, that will probably remain the same in 2010.  I've got close to one person this year, but I'm being very wary, so I don't get too into something that might not go any further.
 
I'm celebrating the New Year in Ireland, with my brother and his family. Coming here always helps me put things into perspective, and I look forward to starting the New Year with some, for a change.
 
Happy New Year to everyone, be safe, be happy

Enjoy the holiday season; be thankful, be merry, and spread a little joy!  Most importantly though, be safe!

IT'S CHRISTMAS!