Could today have started off any worse?  Really, the answer is yes, but ask me that at 8am this morning and I would have shot you a look worth a thousand profanities.

As I grabbed the herbal tea in my travel mug and looked out of the kitchen window I said out loud "you have to be shitting me?!"  The rear nearside tyre on my car was as flat as a pancake.  My first thought was about how late for work I  was going to be, my second was wondering how I managed to get a puncture, the third was how I couldn't bloody believe it.

Changing the tyre didn't phase me, I just wasn't sure that I'd be able to get the bolts undone.  But being the trooper I am I drove the car off the curb and onto flat road, then proceeded to try and loosen the wheel bolts.  I had to check that I was turning them the right way as they weren't budging (righty tighty, lefty loosey).  Yep I was turning the right way for sure.  Next I secured the wrench around the bolt, steadied myself with one hand on the car and stood on it to try and use my body weight to loosen the little buggers.  It worked a little but I was screwed for the other bolts.  I messed around trying to get the stupid things off for about 20 minutes before I admitted defeat and rung The AA.  Fortunately Lee had told me a trick to tell them I "broke down" away from home so that they came out to me, otherwise I my lack of breakdown cover would have meant I'd have been royally screwed. 

With 40 minutes to wait before the man came I thought I'd fix some brekkie.  Good idea in theory if I actually had some food I could eat, DOH!  Anyway, long story short, The AA man turned up, changed my tyre in 5 minutes and I was on my way to ATS in West Green to get it repaired.  Once that was done and on, the silly little spacer was back in my boot and I was on my merry way... 90 minutes late for work!

I then get to work and there is uproar over the new process I put in place 3 weeks ago.  So we call a "team meeting", after which things seemed better.  I think the lateness helped me be more productive which is a good thing as I've needed a kick up the arse lately.

Anyway, the evening was good and I enjoyed munching on a huge Nandos chicken salad with Halloumi cheese on the side.  It was even nicer due to the fact all I've eaten today is some minging prawn casserole thing and green beans (I left the prawn goop and just gobbled the beans) plus six brazil nuts... that's it!  

I'm now just winding down before bed and keeping my fingers crossed that Mr Fish is OK tomorrow.  I think he's poorly so I've got him in an incubation tank.  He keeps trying to swim, and does OK, but his tale is floppy and he's lost buoyancy :-(  Let's all send good fishy wishes to Mr Minnow and hope he gets better soon so he can rejoin his friends in the big tank.

The time has come for me to say enough is enough... again!  My weight is spiralling out of control and I'm not really helping myself at all.  The last few weeks I have been trying to get my routine down: eat three times a day with no grazing in-between.  This I think I have done and I'm there with the routine, however I can't do the healthy eating part without guidelines.  I need to have some constrictions when it comes to food and drink.

Alcohol is the biggest thing, all those empty calories just puts more fat on my body and makes me feel shitty.  Plus when I drink all my discipline vanishes and I'm my own worst enemy, no crisp is safe!

You know I figured out today that I've been drinking and living the unhealthy lifestyle for 10 years now.  10 years is a long time and I've done all the things I want to do where alcohol is concerned.  I've been the person who's been passed out drunk in the street, I've been the person at the party playing drinking games, I've been the person to drink the disgusting concoction of booze for a dare, I've been the person who can polish off more tequila shots than what should be possible, I've been the person to drink a bottle of wine a night, I've been the person to drink non-stop round the clock all weekend, I've been the person to try all the cocktails on TGI Friday's drinks menu, I've been the person to drink my way out of a hangover, I've been the person to do beer bong, I've been the person to drink Cherry Brandy just because that's all there was, I've been the person to sneak booze into places I really shouldn't, I've been the person to snort Vodka, I've been the person to neck multiple bottles of Stella Artois (the little ones from France).

Put all that together with drunken rages, embarrassing dances, kissing the wrong boys, kissing the right boys, midnight texts, falling out of clubs, stuffing 1lb burgers in my gob, puking in the toilet, puking everywhere but the toilet, missing college the next day, missing work the next day, showing too much flesh, saying things I shouldn't, smoking too many cigarettes, smoking too many funny fags, playing knock down ginger (past the age of 20), having a collection of traffic cones in my bedroom, and pretending to be asleep so I can carry on the party after a 'certain someone' is in bed.

All these things have happened, some a long time ago, some recently, some often!  Right now I'm thinking that to be healthy and happy is more important than carrying on with this lifestyle.  I've calmed down a lot over the last 2 years but I'm still letting myself down and not sticking to the goals I set. 

It sounds like I'm giving myself a hard time, but I'm really not.  My weight has gone up by 21lbs this year, it was at a 14lb gain but in the last 4 weeks I've managed to increase that by a further 7lbs!   Enough is enough and I need to stop now before Fraser has to wheel me out of the house.  Mum mentioned something about an under active thyroid, but having checked out the symptoms it's definitely not that, I've just not been being good!

So it's me and Arthur Agatston working together, in other words the South Beach Diet.  I've done really well on this before and the diet works (when you stick to it).  I've got to get the weight down for my health and with family history being what it is I'm doing myself no favours.  I've also got the bike and the MoS Dance DVD which I need to start doing, so come on girl, pull yourself together and do it!  I've taken before snaps with the camera and in about 6 months when I'm feeling like I've achieved my goal I will take after shots and post both on here.
 

...I'm your fool, everyone's got their chains to break... were you born to resist or be abused?... I needed somewhere to hang my head, without your noose, you gave me something that I didn't have, but had no use. I was too weak to give in, too strong to lose, my heart is under arrest again, but I break loose... I swear I'll never give in, no, I refuse... I've got another confession my friend, I'm no fool, I'm getting tired of starting again, somewhere new. Were you born to resist or be abused? I swear I'll never give in, I refuse...

Recently I'm feeling liberated and free, work is going well and it's giving me the time to focus and be me.  I've not heard anything back from the writing competitions yet, although I'm not pinning any hopes on winning. 

This Sunday it's Daddy's Day so Cathleen and I are taking him away for the weekend.  We're leaving on Saturday morning and coming back Sunday night, so it's only a short trip, but I'm looking forward to it loads.  I've also taken Friday off work and will be meeting Kate at the old office for a spot of lunch, Asha cuddles and a catch up.  Life is good, really really good right now and I'm feeling lucky, creative and most of all... alive!

The healthy eating thing seems to be going well so far, I'm filling up on fruit and veggies and sticking to my 3 meals a day.  A friend of mine is doing a crazy diet, it's called Light Life (I think) and she basically starves for 31/2 months!  Each week she pays £60+ for a load of powders which she'll mix with water and that will be her intake for the week.  So far she's lost a load of weight and seems to be happy, I admire her for her willpower but I couldn't do it.  Biggest reason why is it seems madness! Nope, I'm done with fad dieting and trying all the latest crazes, it's healthy stable eating for me and I'll happily lose weight the slow way.

It's all about life changes, not quick fixes.  I'm embracing this new era with open arms and it's quite funny how the transition is so apparent.  Change is good though.  Just like the Foo's tell it "everyone's got their chains to break".
 

...there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find. And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive...

Major change is around the corner and so it's only natural that I am analysing every part of my life, and myself.  Today I sent Mum off home after having her stay for a few days.  It was great to see her and shocking that we only really get together properly twice a year!  Still, makes the time we do spend together more special.  Now that she's left though it's time to get back to reality and also think about going back to work. 

I'm signed off for another week but had to call the boss today to ask for the Tuesday morning off, as well as the last 10 days!  A bit cheeky I know, but my stitches have to stay in longer so I need to go back to the doctors surgery and have them out and that was the earliest appointment I could get.  He was cool with it though, to be fair I am in my notice period and there's lots of change and movement going on that he's probably got more to deal with than when I'm back to work.

Talking of which I've filled out all my forms for the new job and sent them off.  The occupational therapy questionnaire was a little daunting though, never had to fill one of those out before.  Not sure if I needed to or not but I told them about my operation.  They did ask if I'd had an op in the last 2 years so to omit the information would just be lying!  It will be weird working for a larger firm again, but I am looking forward to the security.  

So back to the rest of me and I'm feeling so wretched lately.  I keep following these fad diets, believing the hype and striving towards that quick fix... it doesn't exist.  South Beach has worked for me in the past, but then I've only whacked the weight back on again, and then some.   What I have realised it that in order to achieve a healthy me I need to just eat well, exercise, and that's it.  My body has just been abused for the last 6 years with alcohol and fatty foods.  What is most shocking is I was thinking about this the other day and realised that my body weight has almost doubled since I was 18 years old, DOUBLED!  I am literally twice the woman I was, lol.  In seriousness though I used to be disgustingly skinny with hips, ribs and a collar bone that protruded from my slight frame.  Now though I'm too overweight and although I'm happy, I don't want to remain overweight purely because of the health implications.

What I need to learn to do is stop drinking, exercise, eat 5 a day, don't snack on junk, eat a balanced diet and have everything in moderation.  I'm sure the lbs will drop off me and I'll feel 100 times better in myself.  I know when I'm not healthy because I get out of breath easy, I sweat, my nose is blocked up, my skin looks tired, my hair gets greasy quickly, I get spots, my belly bloats and makes noises, I fart A LOT and don't sleep well.   When you think of it like that I wonder, is a tipple and a cake really worth it after all?

Yesterday night did me the world of good. It’s amazing how a few glasses of wine, some episodes of friends and a good onion dip can make a girl smile again.

Fraser went out to watch the football with his buddies and not able to go out myself, due to a lack of that little thing known as the ma-honey, I stayed in with my wine (yes I broke the diet, shock horror) and had some me time.

My appetite is really low right now so as Fraser scoffed down his pre-footie meal consisting of a huge bowl of pasta with chicken and garlic bread, I sat next to him nibbling on some monkey nuts. What? I know, I know, me not eat?  Has the world flipped over and we’re now living in some parallel universe? No, I just think all the stress of the moment is making me feel a lot less hungry, which is probably spurred on by the challenge of what I can and can’t eat, being on the South Beach diet.

In fairness I could have happily tucked into a Brevill toasty oozing with melted Cheddar cheese, but bread is off. So instead I prepared some Parsnip chips and resided myself to another night of naff food. The previous evening had me eating Fish Fingers, peas (yes mum, PEAS!), and leftover cabbage for dinner, with a squidge of ketchup, hardly Cordon Bleu!

Whilst I waited for my parsnips to part-boil I settled on the sofa and began the nightly routine of checking my social networking sites, reading the news, looking at my emails and checking out my blog stats. It was then that Dani’s comment jumped out from the screen and slapped me on the forehead. Yes, the recipe for onion dip suddenly had me salivating for the parsnip chips and so I ran to the fridge to seek out the ingredients and rustle up a lil somethin’ somethin’ for moi. The result was a-maz-ing and I enjoyed every morsel. I’m an emotional eater at times and so a good meal for me is like a hug.

There’s so much going on with everything, it’s not just work.  In addition all the family stuff, the money, relationship issues, health worries and dieting, I woke up this morning with a left cheek that looked like I've stuffed golf balls in my gob!  Yep, the teeth of wisdom are popping up to say hello and thought they'd cause me grief, pain and discomfort.  How nice of them to be so considerate at this time, they must know that I enjoy walking around with a jaw so swollen it looks like I'm trying to grow a second head!  (ok, there may be a slight exaggeration on the severity of my swelling, but it's how it feels!)

In any case, I’ve pulled myself together and realised I’ve just got to get on with things. Crap happens on occasion and if everyone fell apart each time we’d be the soppiest race in the animal world. Tonight is the final night of being broke, and I intend to spend it eating Chilli and watching Flushed Away. There’s nothing like a good animated feature film about toilets and rats to lighten the mood ;-)