This weekend has been many things, and being at the end of it I feel this is the right time to sit down and reflect.  As you know I went to Frasers house on Friday night to chat things through.  I think by mentioning it in my blog a lot of people have got the wrong end of the stick and I've been being asked all weekend how the chat went, as if it were the beginning of a reconciliation.   It was not.

What we talked about is private, but ultimately we needed to just sit and understand what each other was going through.  It was a lovely evening and most of it was spent listening to Slipknot/Stone Sour, watching Big Brother and drinking cider.  I think I should be fair and retract my angry statements from the last week.  I know now that I need not worry about Fras and his plans, he's been thinking hard and seems to have it all sorted out in his head.  It's the first time in years I've seen him have some proper direction and my original cynicism about his trip to Thailand and it being him just running away, well that's far from what it is and I'm glad.

The break-up is the right thing for both of us, it's just difficult losing a live-in friend... but now that we know we've still got each other it's not so daunting.  I'm really pleased we cleared the air on Friday and it just makes it easier to deal with everything, especially as we continue to be mature about this and understanding of each other.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm fine and it doesn't seem to matter how many times I say "yes" I can tell that people don't believe me.  It's like they think that it's only a matter of time before I fess up and become a big mess that they can all rally round and deal with.  Well it's not going to happen, because I really am fine!  When relationships break down it's normally a negative thing and there are tears, accusations, emotions, hurt and all sorts flying around.  This isn't one of those break-ups so please all stop acting like it is and trust me when I say I'm fine.

So Friday night kicked off what has been a pretty good weekend for me, well... an OK weekend.   I spent most of Saturday with Lisa, we had lunch and mooched around the garden centre (she eyed up hanging basket plants, I looked at the scented oils and food, lol).  I took us both to Tesco where we could pick up some bits before I dropped her home and then returned to my place.  It was all going swimmingly until I reversed into someone's car!  Long story short... I over steered and scrapped my back offside wing right along the side of this woman's R reg Rover.  BOLLOCKS!

It looked worse than it was I'm sure, but I did the decent thing and owned up, left my details and as I was about to put the note under her windscreen wiper she returned to her car.  Needless to say, she wasn't impressed but thanked me for being honest (like I would ever do any different) and she explained that people have hit her car and just driven off.  I'm hoping and praying that she doesn't try to fleece me for all she can, and I don't want to go through insurance as I'll lose the no-claims I've been building up.  Fingers crossed on that one.

So apart from all that really, I've had a quiet one... just me and a few passing visitors.  I chatted to a friend for most of Saturday night, drank wine, oh and captured a Tarantula wannabe in my living room!  Today I've had a boring Sunday, but it's been a typical Sunday.  I took Cedric, in his clingfilmed glass, to Tesco Express with me and let him out near the recycling.  He ran for dear life, in the opposite direction to me and I hope found some new friends to play with.  This time if he finds his lanky legged way back to my house I'm going to have to drive him to Scotland and dump him there!  I won't kill a spider, they're not bad little things and if a small one is in the house I'll just leave it be... but ones with big legs, fat pincers and faces, no I can't deal with that. 

On another note... I got very uncomfortable at work on Friday and when I went to the ladies I discovered I was bleeding from my wound.  I can't believe it, I'm sure it's not opened fully again but it should be closed!  I'm going to take the last of the antibiotics I've got in the house and hope that they are enough to close it up.  I'll need to make sure that I'm careful not to spend too long sitting down as the pressure is too much on the new scar tissue.  It's already healed wonky :-(  Of course this also means that I'm going to be stuck in big knickers for a while yet.  Before April I only ever wore big knickers when I was going to bed, ill, or mooching around the house in a vest during the hot season.  But since April I've worn my nice underwear only once and I'm getting so sick and tired of feeling like I'm wearing a bloody nappy!  They're so unattractive and unsexy... it doesn't really make me feel like a minx.  Bridget Jones better watch out, she's got a contender! lol

I had such a good time last night, random, but good. I’d arranged the week before to meet up with Dani but she forgot that Tuesdays were music nights round Emma’s place (Emma is an old school friend and Lisa’s older sister) and so I tagged along to that. Thankfully she had the foresight to text me on Monday and on Tuesday to remind me of what day it was… given my recent history of Tuesday confusion.

With cider in hand we arrived at their country house to be greeted with the sound of Counting Crows and the growl of the psychotic dog. Their little darling “Rizla” (yes, Rizla!) has been diagnosed as a schizophrenic pooch and has had to have therapy… or be put down! He’s apparently improved with time, a little while ago you couldn’t look him in the eye otherwise he’d go for you, now he just doesn’t like to be touched, which is unfortunate when he’s humping/ripping to pieces the stuffed dog toy right by my feet :/

I’ve not seen Emma for yonks and I’ve not been to that house since I did an Ann Summers party there about 4-5 years ago! She’s just joined Facebook and is scanning in all her old photos, including one of me aged about 14 holding a stuffed duck. A lot of pictures of me aged around 14 seem to be surfacing lately, hmmmm. Still, it was nice to chill out, play with the puppy (not the psycho dog, she has 3 pooches) and chat over a couple of glasses of cider whilst her boyfriend and his punk band practice their set in the living room. It was loud.

I’m quite looking forward to the next few weeks. Not that I’ve got much on now, but as Kate reminded me ‘you’re single, you have time now, make plans’, so I’m going to have lunch with her soon, most likely spend some evenings in the pub, pick up my writing again (now that my head’s straight) and just generally relax… it sounds like heaven!

Of course there’s also Ireland soon, and I cannot wait to see my niece and nephew, they’re the cutest kids on the planet! Plus my brother and Chloe seem have a way of making me feel better about things and I’m always able to come away from staying at their house with a fresh outlook and a bit of perspective… which is always a good thing!

Sorry I've not been blogging much this week, lots has been happening and I've found myself just about managing to get through the day... let alone write!

It's all good now though, there's still a long journey ahead but I'm clearer on the path I'm taking and that's all I ask for.  It's been a funny old few months.  Those who have read this blog for a while will be able to remember back to last year and the beginning of this year to when I was going through a horrendous time at work, unhappy wasn't even the word!

The thing I've realised over the last 18 months, since returning back from the US, all I've done is kept myself busy with "projects" or focusing on everything other than what has been staring me right in the face.  I thought that taking this new job would mark the end of that dreadful period in my life, but instead it's slapped me in the face and forced me to wake up and look around.

With nothing left to hide behind I'm forced to face reality, face facts and grow some balls.  At the end of the day I've never been one to be shy and make decisions against my gut instinct, so it's time to stop fighting, give it up and begin to move into the next chapter of my life.  It's sad, it's hard, it's scary but I'm relieved I've reached this marker point.

To make things worse and to add to the confusion you can always rely on the British press.  For months we've heard nothing but credit crunch, feeling the pinch, house prices crashing, interest rates rising, banks and business losing record money, knife crime, suicides, and today (because the before mentioned seems to be losing it's effect) rats in hospitals.  It's like the press are trying to depress each and every one of the 60 million people who live in the UK.

I for one am sick of it here, all the moaning, the gloom and doom.  For someone like me who is 99% of the time an optimistic and happy person, it's got me down and I hardly recognise myself over the last 6 months.  Normally I will ignore the depressing news and just live my life, but even I have succumbed to the depression that is Britain.  I've never wanted to become what I consider to be a 'victim of life' someone who blames everything else for their short comings and doesn't get up and grab the opportunities just passing them by... but that's what I'm becoming and it has to stop.

Being in Sweden just highlighted how naff things have got over here.  Even something as simple as being in the ICA supermarket in Sollentuna and finding Miller Lite on the shelf was exhilarating!  My favourite beer from my 19 month life in FL, coupled with Ken's Caesar dressing and some Toast Skagen... my goodness I nearly didn't come back! 

So, slowly and surely I am doing what I need to in order to get where I need to be.  Perhaps in the future I'll be living the life I want to, not the one I've settled for.

...happy Birthday to me, happy birthday dear Selina, happy birthday to me!

Today I was another year older, another year wiser and another year wasted.  I don't truthfully feel that way about the last one, not 100% anyway.  Part of me does wonder though, what have I achieved in the last 26 years? 

To some I've done loads, to others I've not, what do you measure it against?  To me I feel like I've come quite far, personally that is.  Having overcome a lot of issues that plagued me over the years has been something which I am glad to have gone through and come out the other side, despite some people still bringing up the past at every opportunity!  Who I am today is not who I was 1, 5, or even 10 years ago.

With that said I think it's my ability to look at myself, recognise the bits I don't like and change them, which makes me who I am.  I think that's a strong quality to have.  I also look into myself, recognise the bits that other people don't like but leave them just the way they are, as that's who I am.  It's called living life for yourself and not for other people.  I wasn't born on this day 26 years ago to spend life trying to be approved of, liked or fitting in.  Nope, I was born to do something with myself and make a difference to the world... one way or another.  That's fully what I intend to do!

The celebrations this year have been sober for me though, these darn antibiotics have dictated that.  Before Saturday morning I was feeling really bitter about the whole thing, but once I felt my "wound" in the shower and realised that it's finally healing I realised that these pills are working and I need to see them through to the end, even if that means staying sober whilst all those around me get wankered!  If I had have got drunk perhaps I wouldn't have been so aware of my dad bottom burping on my friend (sorry Dad but that does top the 'embarrassing moments' list).

For the first time ever I intentionally drank non-alcoholic wine, and hated it!  The red one tasted like a balsamic vinegar reduction, the white one tasted like sweet grape juice, yuk to both!  My faux spritzers were not good so in order to rectify the situation I did a little naughty... I put a splash of real wine into the glass.   By splash I mean SPLASH, I wasn't going to be stupid enough to drink for real, but a dash of the real thing was enough to flavour the drink and make it reasonably pleasant.  I had a few of these little watered down concoctions and felt fine... that was until I woke up at 1am with the shivers and fever feeling.  It just goes to show that even the smallest amount of alcohol (and I am talking teeny tiny) had an effect... it doesn't bear thinking about what state I'd be in if I'd have had a full glass or two of full strength vino!

This morning I woke up to surprise presents from Fraser, phonecalls from family and a massive cup of coffee.  It's weird, it didn't really feel like my birthday and I ALWAYS feel like it's my birthday.  I don't believe this "as you get older they get less exciting" chat, that's a loads of old bollocks is what it is, is what it is!  Nope, something is funny with me this year, maybe it's the drugs, maybe it's Fraser's birthday planning, maybe it's a number of things, all I know is I am not feeling the festivities. 

It could also have something to do with all those RUDE and inconsiderate people who I invited over for a drink and to lunch on Sunday and never bothered to show, not even a text message!  A few people cancelled, but they at least had the decency to let me know and wish me a happy birthday!  So the ones of you who didn't bother, it's noted and I'd just like to say thanks very much!

So with a few more songs in me I'm off to play Singstar with Fraser... it's the only game we play where I win all the time (tee hee, he's awful at singing bless him). 

Not mine (although it is imminent), I'm doing this for Frasers big day.  He turns 30 in about 3 months and so I want to do something really special for him.  In order to achieve that I made sure time was on my side and have been busy planning all sorts of surprises and pressies.

I'll let you guys in on a sneaky peak of what's to come.... make of this clue what you will ;-)