This weekend has been many things, and being at the end of it I feel this is the right time to sit down and reflect.  As you know I went to Frasers house on Friday night to chat things through.  I think by mentioning it in my blog a lot of people have got the wrong end of the stick and I've been being asked all weekend how the chat went, as if it were the beginning of a reconciliation.   It was not.

What we talked about is private, but ultimately we needed to just sit and understand what each other was going through.  It was a lovely evening and most of it was spent listening to Slipknot/Stone Sour, watching Big Brother and drinking cider.  I think I should be fair and retract my angry statements from the last week.  I know now that I need not worry about Fras and his plans, he's been thinking hard and seems to have it all sorted out in his head.  It's the first time in years I've seen him have some proper direction and my original cynicism about his trip to Thailand and it being him just running away, well that's far from what it is and I'm glad.

The break-up is the right thing for both of us, it's just difficult losing a live-in friend... but now that we know we've still got each other it's not so daunting.  I'm really pleased we cleared the air on Friday and it just makes it easier to deal with everything, especially as we continue to be mature about this and understanding of each other.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm fine and it doesn't seem to matter how many times I say "yes" I can tell that people don't believe me.  It's like they think that it's only a matter of time before I fess up and become a big mess that they can all rally round and deal with.  Well it's not going to happen, because I really am fine!  When relationships break down it's normally a negative thing and there are tears, accusations, emotions, hurt and all sorts flying around.  This isn't one of those break-ups so please all stop acting like it is and trust me when I say I'm fine.

So Friday night kicked off what has been a pretty good weekend for me, well... an OK weekend.   I spent most of Saturday with Lisa, we had lunch and mooched around the garden centre (she eyed up hanging basket plants, I looked at the scented oils and food, lol).  I took us both to Tesco where we could pick up some bits before I dropped her home and then returned to my place.  It was all going swimmingly until I reversed into someone's car!  Long story short... I over steered and scrapped my back offside wing right along the side of this woman's R reg Rover.  BOLLOCKS!

It looked worse than it was I'm sure, but I did the decent thing and owned up, left my details and as I was about to put the note under her windscreen wiper she returned to her car.  Needless to say, she wasn't impressed but thanked me for being honest (like I would ever do any different) and she explained that people have hit her car and just driven off.  I'm hoping and praying that she doesn't try to fleece me for all she can, and I don't want to go through insurance as I'll lose the no-claims I've been building up.  Fingers crossed on that one.

So apart from all that really, I've had a quiet one... just me and a few passing visitors.  I chatted to a friend for most of Saturday night, drank wine, oh and captured a Tarantula wannabe in my living room!  Today I've had a boring Sunday, but it's been a typical Sunday.  I took Cedric, in his clingfilmed glass, to Tesco Express with me and let him out near the recycling.  He ran for dear life, in the opposite direction to me and I hope found some new friends to play with.  This time if he finds his lanky legged way back to my house I'm going to have to drive him to Scotland and dump him there!  I won't kill a spider, they're not bad little things and if a small one is in the house I'll just leave it be... but ones with big legs, fat pincers and faces, no I can't deal with that. 

On another note... I got very uncomfortable at work on Friday and when I went to the ladies I discovered I was bleeding from my wound.  I can't believe it, I'm sure it's not opened fully again but it should be closed!  I'm going to take the last of the antibiotics I've got in the house and hope that they are enough to close it up.  I'll need to make sure that I'm careful not to spend too long sitting down as the pressure is too much on the new scar tissue.  It's already healed wonky :-(  Of course this also means that I'm going to be stuck in big knickers for a while yet.  Before April I only ever wore big knickers when I was going to bed, ill, or mooching around the house in a vest during the hot season.  But since April I've worn my nice underwear only once and I'm getting so sick and tired of feeling like I'm wearing a bloody nappy!  They're so unattractive and unsexy... it doesn't really make me feel like a minx.  Bridget Jones better watch out, she's got a contender! lol

...where we're going we don't need roads!

This weekend has been surprisingly good, surprising because I woke up with the mother of all hangovers yesterday and literally sat around the house in my pants all day.  Today I've managed to get dressed, bake a gorgeous cheesecake and tidy the house.

Friday night was the work night out, at which my intention was to stay composed, not drink too much and keep up my professional appearance in front of the team.  By about 7pm that was out of the window... hello Tequila, goodbye reputation!  Not only did I get smashed out of my head, but I also divulged far too much personal information, ate too much Chinese food, got stuck at London Victoria, missed the last train and texted way, WAY too much.

There should be a nanny service available where another person is responsible for all text messages sent from your phone when drunk.  Could save a lot of embarrassment, regret and fear of remembering exactly what went down the night before.

Still, at least yesterday went quickly...  I spent about 5 hours chatting online to Dave (a guy I know from way back who recently moved to Canada), whilst watching The Office and pissing myself laughing at Ricky Gervais.  That show is such a classic, can't believe I've not watched it in so long.  I then ordered a pizza, poured a glass of wine and started the Back to The Future marathon!  Great Scott!

Today has been good, woke up, showered, cleaned, baked, blogged, pretty normal really.   But overall this weekend has been something else all together.  Finally I feel closure, the clouds have lifted and the road ahead cleared... I love that feeling.  I know the last few weeks have seen me acting all crazy, but what can I say?   We all get a little crazy sometimes... I'm not ashamed, I'm not sorry and I've no regrets, but am glad that the time to move on has come. 

Perhaps the Tequila fuelled evening on Friday was the breaking point?  :0/

Anyway, I'm in a really REALLY good place right now and feel like I've got the world by the balls. So watch out!

Man, I think I've been so stupid!  For too many reasons than I care to list here, but I have.  At 26 I'd have thought my previous life experience will have prevented my from being so naive, but alas no!  It's not like I've lived a sheltered life, I've been through a lot.  Granted, I'm a lot better off than millions of other people in this world, but I can't always pooh pooh my experiences away just because others have been through worse. 

There's a lot which I have had to overcome, personally.  I'm only 26 years old and feel like I've learnt a lifetime worth of lessons and it's still coming at me. Right now I am having to use all my strength just to be able to get through each day, and that's how I'm taking things... just one day at a time!   I know lots of you are wondering what the f**k is going on, but you'll just have to be patient and wait until I'm ready to tell you, OK.

In other news... you'd think that when I get "fed a line" I'd be able to recognise it by now, unfortunately not.  Recently I think I have gotten carried away with the idea of something, the potential in something... well bollocks to that.  I'm not a complete idiot you know, I do recognise a time waster when I come across one.

Me being the kind of person I am you will always know where you stand with me.  It irritates the shit out of me that some people are intimidated by that.  Surely if you make me feel stupid and I want it to stop I have a right to say?  If you make me feel like I'm only an interest for one reason, then I have a right to let you know there's more to Selina than just one dimension.  Ah what the hell, it's not like anyone else is going to live my life for me is it?  No, and you know what, I'm sick and tired of it, all of it. 

Something has got to give and it most certainly will not be my sanity, no sir it will not!  Tomorrow is the big night out with work mates and it's the first time I'm going to be trashed in front of them... oh dear, perhaps I should forewarn! lol.  With work footing the bill I can predict one messy evening in Clapham, so watch out!

Love has got everything to do with everything!  After all, if you don't love what you do, love who your with, love how you are and love what you're about, then what is the point?

So many people go through life just existing, but I have always felt that life is a precious thing and should not be taken for granted.  Perhaps because we all have it and assume it's ours for the taking that lots of people become complacent and don't strive to be any more than what they have naturally become.

It takes a lot of strength to find yourself and be who YOU want to be, it's too easy to settle for who you have become.  Influences of culture and genetics will sort that out for you, requiring no effort on your part.   But to figure out that everything is possible, and to evolve yourself from what you are naturally is something not many people do, or realise they can do.

Myself, I'm trying to become a genuine someone and make a difference.  I don't want to be a contrived version of something, I want to exist just as the I do in the 'pipe dream'.  Things don't only happen to other people, they can happen to you too!  If you want it of course.   

Pah, maybe I'm just chatting shit, I am super tired after all.  Work is sooo busy, it's not even funny how much I've got to do.  It's OK, I like the job and being busy is great, but I'm scared I'm going to lose a grip on things.  I've not even had lunch this week really, I'm not event hungry for it!

Although I moan, it's quite funny how I'm actually more productive when I'm busy, it's when I stand still that my mind becomes stagnant and useless. 

To see a dog in your dream, indicates a skill that you have ignored or forgotten, but needs to be activated.... To see a happily barking dog in your dream, symbolises pleasures and much social activity.

My dream last night had Jack the puppy in it, he was bouncing around playing and being all happy.  He always barks when he plays and is so full of life and energy.  I don't always check what my dreams mean but sometimes they stick in your head and I think that is for a reason. 

The definition definitely rings true for me, I've been ignoring lots of things lately which I shouldn't.  I'm quite a creative person and I'm not concentrating on the things which embrace that side of me.  Instead I've been focusing on the serious things in life, well semi-serious. 

Planning Fraser's birthday has been fun, he has no idea what I've got in store and I'm looking forward to making him smile lots that weekend.  My birthday seems to be going by without significance, I'm just not fussed about it this year for some reason... very unlike me!

Anyway, I need to sort my head out and get my thoughts in order.  A little self discipline please Selina, come on!

This week needs to end soon, it's been a nightmare!  Not only did I have the tyre drama, but the day after that I was due in London at 10am for a meeting.  This means: be at work for 8:30am, train from Sutton at 9am, walk to meeting place, arrive on time.  Pootling along as I do, the Pease Pottage roundabout was a little busy but not enough to raise eyebrows.  I should have been more aware of it, considering I use that road everyday... because as I pulled onto the slip road of the motorway... BAM!  Standstill traffic, chocka block and backed right up... I wasn't going anywhere.  Long story short, 1 hour to get off the slip road, ONE HOUR!  Utter madness I tell you.  Of course I was super later for work, second day in a row.  I nearly missed my meeting and my boss did not look like a happy cookie!

This is all down to Karma I'm sure.  The other day I dreamt of a cat being in my brother's house, it wasn't doing anything much, just mooching about.  I was trying to shoo it away but in the end I knew I just had to accept it was there because it wasn't going to leave until it was ready. 

To see a cat in your dream, signifies much misfortune, treachery, and bad luck.

Could that dream definition be any more true?  Last Sunday I had a go at some guys from a 'car park car wash' service for scratching my car.  I made them refund me and was very upset by the huge scratch on my boot.  It was only when I got home and Fraser told me it was there already, well didn't I feel just the fool!  It's only become more noticeable now it's clean... I feel like I should go back to Asda and give the little man who cleaned my car back his £5.. after all he didn't do anything wrong.

Karma has made sure that I've known I was wrong.  I accept that.